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It sounds good: Nurture yourself. But how? And if Alice Domar can’t do it, who can?

Even Domar, author of “Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself as Effectively as You Care for Everyone Else,” struggles to practice what she pitches. 

Pregnant and feeling lousy one afternoon, the Harvard Medical School professor accepted her husband’s offer to take their child to a friend’s birthday party for a couple of hours. Free time! A mother’s fantasy!

The first ten minutes were great. Then, she confesses, she got busy balancing her checkbook, doing the laundry, cleaning the house.

“I wrote the book on self nurture – but you should have seen me!”

Whether on vacation with a family of four, or at home on the average Tuesday, combating stress and achieving a better balance isn’t easy. 

There’s a reason airlines advise passengers in emergencies to give themselves oxygen first, children second. 

Otherwise, they won’t be able to. 

“It’s not selfishness,” observes Domar. “If you’re not good to yourself, you won’t be good to anyone else."

She adds:

"What kind of wife, mother, 
or daughter are 
you if you’re irritable?”

• Decide what your biggest needs are. 

Be clear about what you want out of life – and from your vacation. What’s most important or missing? Your relationship? Your body? Your friendships? Your career? 
 
• Get help so you have more time for yourself. 

Split weekend days with your husband. Split vacation days. Find another young parent and take turns with the kids. Form a neighborhood co-op. Effective workers get time off – and so do effective mothers – even on vacation.
 
• Squeeze it in – and streamline.

The impossible is sometimes possible. Exercise, for instance. Instead of having lunch, walk with a co-worker and get social support at the same time. Walk the dog – and kids – and husband. After dinner.
 
• Don’t always put the kids first. 

Partners in a relationship need time together. Go on dates. Get a babysitter. Spend time alone even on family vacations. Research shows that couples that work and play together have children that do better, as well. “Relationships can die and wither without attention,” says Domar, “And that’s a hell of a lot worse for kids.”
 
• Dodge manipulation. 

Parents away from their children sometimes overcompensate, giving them special treatment; a kid catches on and uses this to their advantage. Result, warns Domar: “The child thinks he rules.” 

• Learn to compartmentalize. 

Leave work at the office. Don’t take it on vacation. When alone with spouse, leave the kids behind. If it’s hard to do this, write your thoughts down quickly for later.

• Settle for less. 

Lower your expectations about being the perfect mother, the perfect spouse – giving yourself reasons to do more and become ever-more frenzied. Establish realistic goals. One sure-fire way to increase self-esteem: Lower expectations.

• Indulge thyself.  

Do something for yourself regularly. Take a bath. Schedule a massage. Go to a movie. Grab a cappucino. Read a book in a park. Take a walk. Get some time away for yourself.

-  Keith Epstein