When my best friend since sixth grade (I
will call him “John”) asked me if my husband and I wanted to share a beach
house with him on the North Carolina coast, I jumped at the chance.
I was stressed out from a summer semester in law school, and hanging out
with John and my husband on the beach for two weeks sounded like bliss.
How was I to know that although we shared
hours and hours of laughs, even though he had been friends with my husband
for three years, we had never once stayed for more than one night in the
same place, and that could spell trouble?
The first sign of problems occurred when my
husband was upset when we drove in a caravan down, and I rode as a passenger
in both cars, trading off from driver to driver to keep them both awake.
And once we arrived at the beach, John had different ideas than my husband
about activities. My husband is not a laying on the beach kind of
guy, and grew bored and resentful by the second day. He wanted to
walk, stretch his legs, and go body surfing. John wanted to lie on
a towel, listening to the surf, and tan himself.
In fact, he wanted to tan himself so much
that on day two, when my husband mentioned he thought he was burning, John
said “good,” and ignored him. He ended up with a horrible case of
sun poisoning, painful fever blisters, and slept in bed for two days.
Of course, my husband did not want to hang
out in the beach house for two straight days while John writhed in pain.
And John was hurt, in fact angry, when we decided to go for strolls on
the beach and to the movies one night after he had turned in early.
The experience put a pall on the trip that
had started with all of us in high spirits. Once we got home, I didn’t
hear from John for more than six months. I wasn’t sure if he was
angry with me or busy, but whatever the situation, he was not returning
my phone calls. The experience proved the point that planning could
have averted the problems. There can be competition for attention,
for getting one’s way, and the like. And differences in ideas about
what exactly will happen on a vacation.
Six years later John called me and asked if
we wanted to go with him to Portugal. If I decide to do that, I will
follow these rules to ensure things go smoothly:
· Set a flexible schedule beforehand
that everyone agrees to, in which couples or parties have time alone with
certain members of the group, time together as a whole, and time for each
person to do things solo.
· Clearly establish structured activities
so that everyone can do something they enjoy.
· Establish meal requirements before
leaving so that everyone will enjoy mealtime. People who have special
requirements or special food should purchase their own separately from
the group budget.
· Set and stick to a chore schedule.
Who shops for the meals? Who cooks? Who cleans the kitchen
after the meal?
· If you are driving set a schedule
for who drives when. Also, if you are sharing a rental care, set
up a schedule for sharing the car.
· If sharing expenses, agree to what
they will be beforehand. Everyone must pay up before leaving for
home.
· Some large items can be shared, such
as portable stereos, coolers, etc. Make a list of what you need and
decide beforehand who will bring what to avoid duplication and save space.
· Finally, agree to talk rather than
pout when there are problems – right then and right there. Smoldering
for days, weeks, or months not only ruins a great vacation – it can also
ruin a relationship.
