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FAMILIES
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Topics "You're
not listening!"
'Guilt-free'
family vacation? Is it possible?
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From the RelationTrips column by Keith Epstein After 20 years of marriage, why aren't our vacations any easier? I always seem to do all the work. I'm the one who comes up with the idea, calls the airlines, reserves the hotels. Then sometimes my wife complains, saying I didn't understand what kind of trip she wants. Last year, she griped that we were hiking
in the Great Smoky Mountains when I should have known she wanted to relax
on the Outer Banks. But when I'd run the Smokies idea by her, she'd said
fine! The year before that she wanted to go to Paris, but when I
Beleaguered in Baltimore
>>> Take a trip to the marriage counselor?
You might not have to go that far, of course, but at least consider the
causes of your problem.
Therapists hear complaints like yours all the time. "Your basic garden-variety marital problem," says Alan Hawkins, associate professor of family sciences at Brigham Young University. So the good news, Beleaguered? You're normal. But it's not all you. In fact, it's probably both of you, and how you talk with each other. Rewind to your first conversation about the
Smokies. Freeze it there. Your wife might have heard your suggestion as
a decision. Or go back to her "wanting" to go to Paris. Was it for the
museums, or something else? What you said and what she heard, what she
Even after 20 years. So argues Georgetown University linguistics
professor Deborah "Your approach may be to throw out an idea,
but your wife thinks your idea is a fait accompli. She thinks you
have singlehandedly planned your vacation and doesn't see an opportunity
for expressing her views in advance. Instead, it comes out as a complaint,
Tannen's suggestion: Next time, instead of suggesting a specific destination, ask your wife what kind of vacation she would like. This gives her a chance to articulate her preferences. Perhaps this can even lead to a discussion about what each of you does in planning the trip. Ask if she wants to be involved in research and reservation-making. Hawkins doesn't think you're "tuned in" to what your wife enjoys, either. "Take a step back and get to know her again," he advises. And, Beleaguered? Hawkins doesn't mean on another vacation. He means before going on another vacation. What would you
advise?
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'Guilt-free' family vacation? Is it possible? On our family vacations, usually somebody ends up whining -- and not just the kids. I want to find a weekend getaway that can accommodate my interests (massage, hiking, dining, tennis, art classes), my husband's (hiking, swimming, massage), and our children's (varying abilities and enthusiasm for all of the above). I want to have fun with the kids (ages 3, 6 and 9) but also enjoy myself independently?and without worrying about them being bored. Is there such a thing as a guilt-free getaway within a few hours of Washington D.C. that meets my needs, too? Jill Dickey
Let's see. Three kids, husband, many needs besides
your own -- and all you seek is an affordable holiday free from guilt or
anxiety within 180 miles. Don't ask for much, do you, Jill?
Bowie, Maryland Actually, yours is ?a very reasonable request,' says Harvard Medical School stress management expert Alice Domar. "A lot of moms going on vacation feel like it's not a vacation at all...just parents providing entertainment for the kids. But parents need down time -- not just from their jobs, but from being parents." First, deprogram yourself. Instructions: Shut door on spouse. Close ears to squabbling smaller life forms. Take deep breath. Repeat: It's not selfish to nurture myself. "Women have trouble understanding they'll be better mothers and better wives if they seize their own time and take care of themselves,' says Domar, director of the Mind/Body Center for Women's Health at the Beth Israel Deaconness Medical Center in Boston. On vacation, she advises, start with a day of family activities. Next day: Dispatch the kids to their own fates while you?yes, you, Jill!?go hiking with your husband, soothe muscles with a massage and have a romantic dinner, sans kids. Where and how, you ask? Look for a place with
kids' activities or a babysitting program. Three options:
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Copyright ©
2001
Keith Epstein
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Tannen,
a specialist in gender variations in communication. "Women and men often
have different conversational rituals for making decisions," observes Tannen,
author of "I Only Say This Because I Love You: How the Way We Talk Can
Make or Break Family Relationships Through Our Lives."